Nancy

The update

2008-11-15T19:52:11Z

I can't believe that it's been so long since the last update. Someone was asking me about the blog and I realized that people actually read this thing. So, here goes.

Well, the past year was a lesson in humility and listening. I had to learn that I can't do everything I want to do because my family has to come first. I have such and independent streak in me that I tend to push toward my goals and try to make everything else work and that causes problems. The studio situation was a good example of that.

Finnegan is four-years-old now and he's definitely a little boy. I see lots of Doug's characteristics in him and am amazed at the power of nature vs nurture. There are some traits that run very strong in Doug's family and it's not a high mitecloriant count either.

I am no longer bitter about the studio business, but I won't forget it either. And if or when I run into my former business partner, I'm not sure how I'll respond to her.

Stop whining

2008-03-14T20:52:16Z

No that's not a command to put down your glass of favorite merlot, it's something that I am going to try to do for 30 days. Somewhere in the US a pastor challenged his parish to try not complaining for 30 days. They did it and they discovered that instead of feeling bad about things they started to rectify the matters that were bothering them.

So, I'm going to try it. It will be hard, but anything worth doing is never easy.

Can people really spit nails when they are really, really frustrated?

2008-03-11T23:46:28Z

You that saying, "life's a bleep,bleep, bleep." Well, I would change it to "life's a very, very, mean, unhappy, dissatisfied person you meet, become friends with, help her as much as you possibly can and then she stabs you in the back!"

I feel like an idiot because I wanted to be nice and civil and it didn't get me anywhere. Whatever happened
to "what comes around, goes around." I don't really believe in it anymore. It's just a saying we use to make ourselves feel better for being mistreated by others. I hope I don't treat people the way I've been treated by Hilda.

As Pooh would say, "oh, bother."

Collapse of an empire

2008-02-12T05:41:20Z

The date on my last blog entry was about nine days before everything fell apart for me at my studio Artis Photography north of Seattle. The events were so distressing that I couldn't bear to reveal my disappointment until now.

On September 27, 2007 my business partner and I had a conversation about changing the way that I contribute to running the studio. It was getting harder for me to cope with working 50-60 hours a week while taking care of Elijah at the studio. Elijah was teething and having a very difficult time coping with the pain because he just was not in a comfortable setting. Consequently, his pain led to a nursing strike which lasted about three weeks leaving me very sleep deprived, exhausted beyond fatigue and badly bruised from Elijah biting me every night. It was a difficult time for all of us. I was totally burned out. I had been working for over a year without pay and I just couldn't give 110% anymore. The situation at the studio was very busy with the high school senior rush and my business partner Hilda* was very stressed out about the business.

Unbeknownst to me, Hilda had been talking with her mother, Gertrude who was visiting at the time and had decided that it was time for me to leave the studio. So, that afternoon just before her mother stopped by the studio to have a "heart-to-heart discussion business woman to business woman. As soon as she uttered those words I knew that the conversation was going to be a one-way affair. Gertrude said, "The studio is no place for a baby. It makes people uncomfortable. Your clients are uncomfortable, your employee is uncomfortable and Hilda is uncomfortable." "The place of business is not a place for a baby."

As you can imagine I was incensed. How dare she tell me that my child is not welcome in my own business. When Hilda and I started building the studio we had our kids there all the time because we were moms. And every mother who came into the studio always told me, "Good for you, for bringing the baby with you." However, when I mentioned this to Gertrude, she was unphased.

Gertrude proceeded to make me an offer. "The whole reason made this trip to Seattle was to take care of this. You need to leave the business and I'll take over your financial responsibility for the studio, but you need to go. It's just not working anymore." I never saw this coming and here I was getting ambushed by Hilda's mother. Then she said, "If you don't walk away, I will get a lawyer and take legal action to remove you from the business."

I was so upset that I just wanted to scream at her and Hilda, who was not present. I couldn't believe how gutless she was for sending her mother to fire me. It was just incredible.

After Gertrude left, I locked the front door and put up the closed sign and cried. I was so distraught all I could think of was, "How could this be happening to me?" I had put my heart and soul into building this business and in a few minutes have it all taken away from me.

I cannot describe the full extent of my anger at that time because it flooded over me like a hot flash. I was shaking with frustration and probably because I had not eaten lunch and was burning up all of my energy. Without
hesitating, I began packing my photography equipment because I knew that I was no longer welcome at the studio. Just the day before our employee Remy*, had been incredibly rude to me which forced me to call Hilda and tell her that I would fire Remy unless she gave a good reason not to. I learned later from another employee that Hilda had been complaining about me to Remy for several months and thus had poisoned her opinion of me.

I collected my cameras, portable lighting equipment and anything else that I could fit in my car. I didn't take about $9,000 worth of my equipment because I knew that Hilda would need it for photo shoots. I was still feeling loyal to the business and did not want our customers to suffer.

Driving home that night was really hard for me because I needed to be safe. Elijah was in the car with me and his presence kept me from doing something irrational. But, I have a whole new understanding for people who succomb to roadrage or drive their cars off of embankments. I believe that when someone intentionally hurts themselves it's because they can control the situation.

I got home and Doug, Paul and MaryAnn were starting dinner and I was very quiet. Everyone was talking about their day and then asked me how I was doing. I said, "Well, I got fired today." Jaws dropped and everyone said, "what?" I said, "Yup! That's what I said too." It was a total shock.

There wasn't much point in telling the whole story because it wasn't going to change anything and I was too exhausted to relive it at the moment. All I wanted to do was sleep.

The next day, I felt really depressed and knew that I needed to get some help. It suddenly dawned on me that I was suffering from post-partum depression. Weeks of sleep deprivation, long hours at the studio, inadequate nutrition and fatigue were weighing heavily and I needed help.

Calling my primary physician didn't get me anywhere. Everyone was booked up and the assistant suggested that I go to the emergency room. Yea, right. I'm going to walk into an emergency room and tell the nurse that I am really stressed out and I need help. They would call me a risk and put me in psych ward. I know how that movie ends. What I really needed was sleep, which was so elusive to me. So, I did the next best thing. I doubled up on my medication and went out to be among other people. I went to a photography workshop with Elijah. And guess what? Everyone thought he was the cutest thing and they wanted to be photographed with him. Finally, we were welcomed by people who didn't mind having a baby in the work place.

Several days went by and Hilda never called me or emailed me to check up on my situation. After ten days I contacted Hilda about getting the rest of my photography equipment and she didn't answer my emails. On October 25th, I met Hilda at the studio to sign some paperwork to remove my name from the lease. We had the paperwork notarized and I told Hilda that I would be back on Sunday when the studio was closed to pick up the rest of my equipment. On my way home I stopped off at Wells Fargo and closed out my business credit card account and took my name off of the other accounts and gave Hilda financial control of the company because there was no way that I could go back.

On Sunday, I went back to the studio to pick up more of my equipment and my key did not work. Then Hilda came to the door to let me in. I was very angry and asked her when she was going to tell me that she had changed the locks. "It only just happened and I just didn't have time to tell you." Sure, it did. I found out later that as soon as I signed the paperwork she called the locksmith. She said that since I was no longer on the lease she did want to worry about me leaving the door unlocked and she didn't want to wonder, "What if, what if? And you are no longer on the lease." My response was, "Well is Remy on the lease? Why does she have a key and I do not? Hilda didn't say anything because she knew I was right.

I told her that I felt like I was being made into the bad guy here and she had the stupidity to ask, "Why do you say that?" I said, "Well, let me see. I was the one who was asked to leave the business and not return under threat of legal actions." Once again, she was silent. I really wanted to start yelling at her, but her kids were there and I just didn't want to upset them. So, I collected what I could and left the studio.

It's been several months now and I still have not received the rest of my equipment. As a matter of fact, I just received an email from Hilda's lawyer telling me that my equipment is no longer on the premises. Well, I guess
that I should consider it stolen.

Celebrity sighting

2007-09-18T20:25:27Z

On Friday, Sept. 14th, I photographed Martin Sheen who is one of my favorite actors. Not only is he a great actor and tireless activist, he's also a very nice person.

MaryAnn and her new friend, Martin Sheen

2007-09-18T20:05:19Z

Time flies!

2007-09-18T19:49:33Z

I can't believe that it's been three months since my last entry. I've been pretty busy. Since my last entry, Elijah has cut three teeth and I've lost two inches off of my waist! Not bad.

I'm feeling very tired all the time, but trying to stay on top of things.
Elijah is a joy. He's cooing and playing with his toys. He sings and babbles. Sometimes
I can just about make out what he's saying, but then it vanishes. He'll be speaking soon enough.

He's been eating solid foods for about two months and really enjoys carrots, sweet potatoes and winter squash. He's not too keen on pears and apricots, they are too sour.

Elijah goes to the studio with me everyday and I try to get some work done. It's kind of hard because he needs lots of attention and teenagers don't really like hearing a baby cry when they are having their photos taken. So, we do the best we can. People always tell me, "Good for you." When they see Elijah with me, but the reality is that I don't get much photography done. So, I've been shifting my duties to be more administrative and networking. As long as I can bring in the business, things are good.

Post Partum: Week 12, May 22nd

2007-06-11T05:31:27Z

Weight:115
Waist: 33

Aches & Pains:

I traveled to Providence, RI to visit my friend Susan Bouchard.

Finnegan: I felt really sad to leave Finnegan. I've only spent a couple of nights away from him because I was in the hospital during Elijah's birth. I don't want him to forget me.

Elijah: He started to roll over. I can't believe it and he's getting a new tooth, so soon!
He's such a great baby. Every morning I open my eyes to find him staring at me and then he gets a big smile on his face. He's just so darn cute. We've been having fun playing with him and just staring at him.

Studio: Rachele is keeping the doors open while I'm away and our assistant Amy is helping her.

Post Partum: Week 11, May 15th

2007-06-11T05:29:57Z

Weight: 115
Waist: 33

Aches & Pains: Medical review with a doctor for opposing council for my law suit.
I had to do all kinds of things and did pretty well. It wasn't until I was walking back to the car that my knee gave out on me. It just figures!

Finnegan: It's tough love these days. We have to watch him around Elijah as he likes to bite and squeeze him. I feel like a referee.

Elijah: He's starting to laugh. It's not a full-body laugh, but he's making laughing sounds. He especially likes to laugh at Rachele. Somehow she just gets him to smile and laugh all the time.

Post Partum: Week 10, May 8th

2007-06-11T05:24:21Z

Weight: 118 lbs
Waist: 33 inches

Aches & Pains: Right knee and right shoulder are hurting a lot. My shoulder is so stiff that It's bothering me at night.

Finnegan: He's having some adjustment issues at school and is tackling his friends. He and Doug wrestle a lot at home and it seems that Finn likes to do the same at school which is not acceptable. So, we are working on less physical playtime at home. I hate to tell him, "keep your hands to yourself" because I want him to have fun, but he is very physical and quite strong.

Studio: I'm pretty much working full-time now with Elijah at the studio. He's such a good baby.

Elijah: He's smiling a lot now and he's so cute! He's such a love.

Post Partum: Week 9

2007-05-13T21:26:46Z

Weight: 117 lbs
Waist: 33 inches

Aches & Pains: I forgot to take my medications this week and I was feeling really grouchy. Rachele noticed that my mood was pretty sour and asked me if I was okay. That's when I realized that my prescriptions had run out and that's why I wasn't getting much sleep. If I miss taking my thyroid medication I can't sleep and then I get really grouchy.

Finnegan: We started the four-day week and it was a bit hectic and I did not know which day we had settled on, so I had to juggle a few things but, it worked out. It was really hard to get out of the house and do something with Finnegan. I hate starting a new routine because it takes time to get organized and settled. It was a terribly frantic morning.

Studio: Finn ended up getting a cold this week and could not go to school on Tuesday and had to stay home on Wednesday which meant that he went to the studio with me. I didn't get much work done.

We are busy this week because all of our high school seniors are ordering last minute photos for their graduation announcements eventhough we sent them notices six weeks ago. I guess most people only plan about three weeks in advance. So, Rachele has been working pretty hard getting everything done.

Post Partum: Week 8

2007-04-27T06:19:33Z

Weight: 117 lbs
Waist:

Aches & Pains: My feet are hurting a lot especially when I first stand up in the morning, it must be plantar fasciitis. Upper back and shoulders hurt quite a bit too.

A Date Night: On Wednesday, Doug and I went out to dinner at La Spiga in the Broadway neighborhood downtown. Dinner was hosted by Doug's boss, Col the founder of IMDB. The food was very delicious and the wine was fantastic. It was so nice to be out on a date and having a grown up conversation about things other than poopy diapers and amounts of food eaten by Finnegan. I felt pretty in my dress and beautiful hairdo. We must do this more often.

Finnegan: Shouting is the new method of communication for Finnegan these days. We can't have a conversation any more at the dinner table. At times it's a cacophony of voices trying to out do the other to be heard. The comic strip, Family Circus is reallys starting to make sense to me.

Studio: Well, I'm pretty much back to work full-time. I've been there every day this week and trying not work six days. I am working Saturdays because it's such a busy day and we are starting to get more and more clients every week.

Elijah:

Post Partum: Week 7

2007-04-27T06:01:02Z

Weight: 116.5 lbs
Waist: 34 inches

Aches & Pains: Not too bad this week. Lower back, right ankle, hips and some headaches.

Studio: This week I was supposed was pretty tough at the studio. First, Finnegan was sick on Monday afternoon and I had to pick him up and he could not go to school on Tuesday, so he went to the studio with me.

When I got to the studio I found Rachele lying on the couch and looking really bad. She was suffering from a migraine and a really bad cold. She had the same viral infection that had put me in the hospital a couple weeks before. The rest of the day was spent taking care of her until someone could take her home.

The next morning Rachele called me and said she had been in the emergency room all night. After that, I had to run the studio all week by myself and take care of all the photo sessions. It was interesting photographing people while breastfeeding Elijah. It was a bit of a challenge, but everyone was great. One mom held Elijah for an hour while I photographed her son and another dad rocked Elijah while I photographed his son. The parents purchased about $2000 worth of photos, so we did pretty good.

Finnegan: After reading several of Finnegan's daily reports from his pre-school teachers, we are concerned about his behavior. He's been spitting, tackling friends and acting up at home. Everyday he gets a time-out at least two times at home. We've decided that he needs to spend more time at home with us and starting in May he will only go to school for three days and one day with Doug and one day with me.

I know that he's just trying to deal with adjusting to a new baby and not being the center of our attention. I'd probably feel the same way.

Post partum: Week 6

2007-04-16T22:37:03Z

Weight: 115 lbs 8 oz (two pounds from pre-pregnancy weight)
Waist: 32.5 inches (6.5 inches from pre-pregnancy size)

Aches & pains: lower sacrial illiac region and upper back between the shoulder blades.
Some headaches and muscle aches.

Visitors: This week my mom came to visit and it was nice to let her dote on the baby. I actually went to the store without any babies and it was liberating. I felt some freedom, but a little bit guilty. Not too guilty to go a few errands now and again.

My mom totally loved meeting Elijah and it was so nice to see her have fun with him. We were doubly blessed this week as my Grandma Rose and Aunt Betty from Post Falls, Idaho traveled over the pass to visit us. We had a great visit as it was Grandma's 84th birthday and she enjoyed meeting her Great Grandsons. We are very excited about having them in the Northwest. For so long, I've not been able to visit
them and now they are just a four hour drive away.

Work: I haven't done much work this week except to go to the studio for a few hours at a time and make some phone calls. However, next week I'll get back to the studio for three full days. I'm still real tired during the days.

I photographed my first wedding this week and I felt really rusty when we were getting started. After about an hour, I captured a great candid moment and then I felt better. Then before the reception we photographed the bride and groom in some really great romantic situations and I felt creative again. I was very excited about it and they could tell that the photos would be great.

It was a long day of shooting and I sprained my ankle at the reception site just before the family photos and it hurt really bad. Two days later and it still hurts. My camera was damaged in the fall, but I wasn't concerned about it. That's a first. Usually I go down protecting the camera, but this time I needed my hands to break my fall and the camera took force on the lens.

Sleep: Elijah is doing very well. He nurses at 11:00 p.m. and then again at 3:30 - 4:00 a.m. and again at 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. He's a good sleeper and I'm getting some rest at night. He's had a cold this week, so we have to suction the mucus out of his nose at night and then he goes back to sleep.

Outlook: I'm feeling pretty good both physically and emotionally. I don't watch much news and stick mostly to the discovery channel and a few cop shows. I'm trying to maintain a sunny outlook on the world.

Doug: He's doing pretty well, considering that we've had lots of guests visiting us and now he can relax.

Finnegan: He's still adjusting to being a big brother. He wants to nurse whenever the baby is nursing and he loves to have a pacifier in his mouth. I guess he's reminding us that he's still a baby. While we try to maintain a schedule for Finnegan things do arise and he doesn't like it, but we always try to give him lots of attention and it's working.

The other thing I've noticed is that he's testing us more and more by acting up and stressing his independence and he's been getting a couple of timeouts every day. The good thing is that "time outs" aren't too hard on him and he gets the message.

It's been a good week.

Post partum: Week 5

2007-04-02T18:13:30Z

Weight: 122 lbs
Waist: 33 inches

Average night's sleep: 5 hours. Usually wake up at 3:30 and fall back to sleep around in 6:00 a.m. and then nap for about an hour or until Finnegan wakes up.

Aches & Pains: Upper & lower back, knees and neck pain. I think that most of the pains are due to not sitting up correctly while nursing. It's hard to get vertical at 3:30 in the morning because I know that I won't be able to sleep once I wake up.

This week started out pretty good. My energy levels were picking up and I went to the studio on Thursday, Friday & Saturday. I didn't really do any photography until Saturday so, I concentrated on taking care of issues that Rachele needed me to do. When, I actually picked up the camera, I felt really rusty. Mostly because my energy levels are low and so is my creativity.

On Friday I started to experience a lot of neck, back and stomach pain. Saturday morning my neck pain was quite intense and required some pain killer to alleviate it.
The other aches and pains exacerbated my sleep problems and I felt very sleep deprived which meant that I needed a really long nap on Sunday.

By the late afternoon on Sunday I felt the need to go outside and do some yardwork. So, I pruned the wisteria vines in the back yard and raked up the leaves. Doug did all the heavy lifting and it felt good to breath the fresh air.

This morning I went to the OBGYN for my four-week checkup. After the examination and telling the doctor about all my aches and pains, she told me to take it easy for at least 4-6 more weeks. She thinks that I may have pulled a couple of stitches which would explain my abdominal swelling and pain. She told me not to lift anything heavier than the baby. I was over doing it.

State of mind: It's especially important for me to be aware of my emotional state because I had post partum depression pretty bad after Finnegan was born. For the past 4-5 days I've been feeling sad and helpless. I watched the movie, "An Inconvenient Truth" and it made me feel like the world is coming to an end and nobody cares. Then I saw a story about a little boy's heart wrenching reaction when his father returned from Iraq and it made cry and cry every time I thought about it.

Then I started thinking about being an older mom and it suddenly hit me that if I'm lucky, I might have 40 years with Finnegan and Elijah. This thought scared me because who will be around to help them? Who will care about their world? What will their life be like? What will their future hold? Will they live happy lives or will their existence be one of suffering and struggle?

These questions make me so sad because I love them so much and my hope is that they grow up to be happy people, but I also want them to have a future to be happy with. I want the power to make a change. The power to convince people that we need to act now to prevent the rapid deterioration of the environment. But, I feel helpless against the political regimes that use sound bites, pseudo-science and fear
to keep the average person distracted enough to ignore the real issues that will impact our lives 20-30 years down the road. The evidence is all around us we just have to choose to believe the truth and not the rhetoric intended to keep us frightened into complacency.

After I told all of these things to the OB she said that my feelings were natural, that it's part of our nature to want to protect our children. She had the same kinds of thoughts after the birth of her child. She did caution me that if my feelings of sadness get worse to call and get some treatment for it. And she said that it might be better be more PollyAnna right now and watch happier things on TV. It's nice to have a doctor who understands what moms go through.

I'm not sure if I feel any relief, but I do feel better knowing that someone else knows how I feel.