Well, the past year was a lesson in humility and listening. I had to learn that I can't do everything I want to do because my family has to come first. I have such and independent streak in me that I tend to push toward my goals and try to make everything else work and that causes problems. The studio situation was a good example of that.
Finnegan is four-years-old now and he's definitely a little boy. I see lots of Doug's characteristics in him and am amazed at the power of nature vs nurture. There are some traits that run very strong in Doug's family and it's not a high mitecloriant count either.
I am no longer bitter about the studio business, but I won't forget it either. And if or when I run into my former business partner, I'm not sure how I'll respond to her.
So, I'm going to try it. It will be hard, but anything worth doing is never easy.
I feel like an idiot because I wanted to be nice and civil and it didn't get me anywhere. Whatever happened
to "what comes around, goes around." I don't really believe in it anymore. It's just a saying we use to make ourselves feel better for being mistreated by others. I hope I don't treat people the way I've been treated by Hilda.
As Pooh would say, "oh, bother."
On September 27, 2007 my business partner and I had a conversation about changing the way that I contribute to running the studio. It was getting harder for me to cope with working 50-60 hours a week while taking care of Elijah at the studio. Elijah was teething and having a very difficult time coping with the pain because he just was not in a comfortable setting. Consequently, his pain led to a nursing strike which lasted about three weeks leaving me very sleep deprived, exhausted beyond fatigue and badly bruised from Elijah biting me every night. It was a difficult time for all of us. I was totally burned out. I had been working for over a year without pay and I just couldn't give 110% anymore. The situation at the studio was very busy with the high school senior rush and my business partner Hilda* was very stressed out about the business.
Unbeknownst to me, Hilda had been talking with her mother, Gertrude who was visiting at the time and had decided that it was time for me to leave the studio. So, that afternoon just before her mother stopped by the studio to have a "heart-to-heart discussion business woman to business woman. As soon as she uttered those words I knew that the conversation was going to be a one-way affair. Gertrude said, "The studio is no place for a baby. It makes people uncomfortable. Your clients are uncomfortable, your employee is uncomfortable and Hilda is uncomfortable." "The place of business is not a place for a baby."
As you can imagine I was incensed. How dare she tell me that my child is not welcome in my own business. When Hilda and I started building the studio we had our kids there all the time because we were moms. And every mother who came into the studio always told me, "Good for you, for bringing the baby with you." However, when I mentioned this to Gertrude, she was unphased.
Gertrude proceeded to make me an offer. "The whole reason made this trip to Seattle was to take care of this. You need to leave the business and I'll take over your financial responsibility for the studio, but you need to go. It's just not working anymore." I never saw this coming and here I was getting ambushed by Hilda's mother. Then she said, "If you don't walk away, I will get a lawyer and take legal action to remove you from the business."
I was so upset that I just wanted to scream at her and Hilda, who was not present. I couldn't believe how gutless she was for sending her mother to fire me. It was just incredible.
After Gertrude left, I locked the front door and put up the closed sign and cried. I was so distraught all I could think of was, "How could this be happening to me?" I had put my heart and soul into building this business and in a few minutes have it all taken away from me.
I cannot describe the full extent of my anger at that time because it flooded over me like a hot flash. I was shaking with frustration and probably because I had not eaten lunch and was burning up all of my energy. Without
hesitating, I began packing my photography equipment because I knew that I was no longer welcome at the studio. Just the day before our employee Remy*, had been incredibly rude to me which forced me to call Hilda and tell her that I would fire Remy unless she gave a good reason not to. I learned later from another employee that Hilda had been complaining about me to Remy for several months and thus had poisoned her opinion of me.
I collected my cameras, portable lighting equipment and anything else that I could fit in my car. I didn't take about $9,000 worth of my equipment because I knew that Hilda would need it for photo shoots. I was still feeling loyal to the business and did not want our customers to suffer.
Driving home that night was really hard for me because I needed to be safe. Elijah was in the car with me and his presence kept me from doing something irrational. But, I have a whole new understanding for people who succomb to roadrage or drive their cars off of embankments. I believe that when someone intentionally hurts themselves it's because they can control the situation.
I got home and Doug, Paul and MaryAnn were starting dinner and I was very quiet. Everyone was talking about their day and then asked me how I was doing. I said, "Well, I got fired today." Jaws dropped and everyone said, "what?" I said, "Yup! That's what I said too." It was a total shock.
There wasn't much point in telling the whole story because it wasn't going to change anything and I was too exhausted to relive it at the moment. All I wanted to do was sleep.
The next day, I felt really depressed and knew that I needed to get some help. It suddenly dawned on me that I was suffering from post-partum depression. Weeks of sleep deprivation, long hours at the studio, inadequate nutrition and fatigue were weighing heavily and I needed help.
Calling my primary physician didn't get me anywhere. Everyone was booked up and the assistant suggested that I go to the emergency room. Yea, right. I'm going to walk into an emergency room and tell the nurse that I am really stressed out and I need help. They would call me a risk and put me in psych ward. I know how that movie ends. What I really needed was sleep, which was so elusive to me. So, I did the next best thing. I doubled up on my medication and went out to be among other people. I went to a photography workshop with Elijah. And guess what? Everyone thought he was the cutest thing and they wanted to be photographed with him. Finally, we were welcomed by people who didn't mind having a baby in the work place.
Several days went by and Hilda never called me or emailed me to check up on my situation. After ten days I contacted Hilda about getting the rest of my photography equipment and she didn't answer my emails. On October 25th, I met Hilda at the studio to sign some paperwork to remove my name from the lease. We had the paperwork notarized and I told Hilda that I would be back on Sunday when the studio was closed to pick up the rest of my equipment. On my way home I stopped off at Wells Fargo and closed out my business credit card account and took my name off of the other accounts and gave Hilda financial control of the company because there was no way that I could go back.
On Sunday, I went back to the studio to pick up more of my equipment and my key did not work. Then Hilda came to the door to let me in. I was very angry and asked her when she was going to tell me that she had changed the locks. "It only just happened and I just didn't have time to tell you." Sure, it did. I found out later that as soon as I signed the paperwork she called the locksmith. She said that since I was no longer on the lease she did want to worry about me leaving the door unlocked and she didn't want to wonder, "What if, what if? And you are no longer on the lease." My response was, "Well is Remy on the lease? Why does she have a key and I do not? Hilda didn't say anything because she knew I was right.
I told her that I felt like I was being made into the bad guy here and she had the stupidity to ask, "Why do you say that?" I said, "Well, let me see. I was the one who was asked to leave the business and not return under threat of legal actions." Once again, she was silent. I really wanted to start yelling at her, but her kids were there and I just didn't want to upset them. So, I collected what I could and left the studio.
It's been several months now and I still have not received the rest of my equipment. As a matter of fact, I just received an email from Hilda's lawyer telling me that my equipment is no longer on the premises. Well, I guess
that I should consider it stolen.
On Friday, Sept. 14th, I photographed Martin Sheen who is one of my favorite actors. Not only is he a great actor and tireless activist, he's also a very nice person.
I can't believe that it's been three months since my last entry. I've been pretty busy. Since my last entry, Elijah has cut three teeth and I've lost two inches off of my waist! Not bad.
I'm feeling very tired all the time, but trying to stay on top of things.
Elijah is a joy. He's cooing and playing with his toys. He sings and babbles. Sometimes
I can just about make out what he's saying, but then it vanishes. He'll be speaking soon enough.
He's been eating solid foods for about two months and really enjoys carrots, sweet potatoes and winter squash. He's not too keen on pears and apricots, they are too sour.
Elijah goes to the studio with me everyday and I try to get some work done. It's kind of hard because he needs lots of attention and teenagers don't really like hearing a baby cry when they are having their photos taken. So, we do the best we can. People always tell me, "Good for you." When they see Elijah with me, but the reality is that I don't get much photography done. So, I've been shifting my duties to be more administrative and networking. As long as I can bring in the business, things are good.
Weight:115
Waist: 33
Aches & Pains:
I traveled to Providence, RI to visit my friend Susan Bouchard.
Finnegan: I felt really sad to leave Finnegan. I've only spent a couple of nights away from him because I was in the hospital during Elijah's birth. I don't want him to forget me.
Elijah: He started to roll over. I can't believe it and he's getting a new tooth, so soon!
He's such a great baby. Every morning I open my eyes to find him staring at me and then he gets a big smile on his face. He's just so darn cute. We've been having fun playing with him and just staring at him.
Studio: Rachele is keeping the doors open while I'm away and our assistant Amy is helping her.
Weight: 115
Waist: 33
Aches & Pains: Medical review with a doctor for opposing council for my law suit.
I had to do all kinds of things and did pretty well. It wasn't until I was walking back to the car that my knee gave out on me. It just figures!
Finnegan: It's tough love these days. We have to watch him around Elijah as he likes to bite and squeeze him. I feel like a referee.
Elijah: He's starting to laugh. It's not a full-body laugh, but he's making laughing sounds. He especially likes to laugh at Rachele. Somehow she just gets him to smile and laugh all the time.
Weight: 118 lbs
Waist: 33 inches
Aches & Pains: Right knee and right shoulder are hurting a lot. My shoulder is so stiff that It's bothering me at night.
Finnegan: He's having some adjustment issues at school and is tackling his friends. He and Doug wrestle a lot at home and it seems that Finn likes to do the same at school which is not acceptable. So, we are working on less physical playtime at home. I hate to tell him, "keep your hands to yourself" because I want him to have fun, but he is very physical and quite strong.
Studio: I'm pretty much working full-time now with Elijah at the studio. He's such a good baby.
Elijah: He's smiling a lot now and he's so cute! He's such a love.
