More than 8 days past!
Anyway. Mary Ann and I went out this weekend and talked for a long time over dinner about how similar we are. We talked about how we both sometimes get depressed; we both like to go into our shell instead of talking out a disagreement. Where do these things come from? How do we overcome the seemingly innate parts of ourselves that we don't like? Most importantly, how I communicate these things to my new spouse and explain to him why I think the way I do? When I talk to my sister, automatically, she knows what I'm talking about. How do I become more open and forgiving and evolve with him to have a closer relationship? Chad tried to be as supportive as possible before the wedding, since I was too stressed to think straight. But he tells me I am still too uptight about a lot of things. Like, if dinner doesn't turn out right, or I gained a pound, or the bathroom didn't get cleaned last night. I am too uptight, but how do things get done otherwise?
On another note, somewhat related, we have been looking for a church to attend. We have been to 2 in Canton so far...both exactly the same: huge congregation, cushy seats, everyone comes in T-shirts, and there are no kneelers! At the first church, the priest interrupted the Gospel to make a joke. OK, so I'm supposed to have an open heart, and find the good in everything, but um, are you with me? OK, so I left a Traditionalist church which doesn't follow the pope, but I can't accept just a church without kneelers can I?
So I have some turmoil about life changes: name changes, church changes, personality conflicts and professional uncertainty. I'm guess I'm not sure what lesson(s) God is trying to teach me right now.
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Dear Sara,
You aren't weird and what you are going through is the unspoken truth about life immediately after the honeymoon. The first year is the hardest because you have to adjust to someone else in your life. In time, you will start to realize that you don't have to be the perfect wife and Chad isn't going to be the perfect husband so, try for something in between. I was a total neat freak before I got married and now some parts of the house are usually clean and other parts are off limits to visitors. Doug has his space and I have mine and we get along knowing that we have our little haven. The good news is six years after our wedding, Doug and I have much more in common that before the engagement. I appreciate the fact that he's more introverted than me and he's much more outgoing than he was in the beginning. We compliment each other, he's my better half and I miss him when we are apart. He's my best friend. I'd rather spend all of my freetime with him than anyone else.
Some things to remember:
Focus on work and take care of that so you still have a job.
Don't make any major changes until you've been married for at least six months. Think about them and plan then move when the opportunity is right for you.
Work on differences. Talk things over with Chad about the sleeping habits etc. He's a guy and he needs to have some Chat time, but maybe only on the weekends that way you aren't two passing ships in the night?
Stay away from the all-or-nothing approach to problem solving. It doesn't get you anywhere, but frustrated. Meeting in the middle is key!
Communication. Doug and I had to work on the communication process as well and what I did was write things down that I needed to discuss and I explained how things made me feel. Also, don't blame each other for problems. It's you two against the issue and how you will solve it as a team. Refer to yourselves as a team and and the transition from bachelorhood to married couple will be easier.
Don't sweat the small stuff. We all knew Chad was not as worried about cleaning, laundry and tidiness. I remember him wearing the same clothes in Europe for two weeks!!! Yes, that's not what we would do, but we are girls and we like to smell good, look good and wear clean clothes. Most guys are like, "Hey, it doesn't look dirty!"
Meal preparation. Don't stress too much about dinner, chances are he won't even notice. You will notice, but there's no need to broadcast it unless of course Chad is sawing into a steak that's have black and half rare. Which I doubt you would do. You are an awesome cook!
Venting. When you are just venting, tell Chad that you are venting otherwise, he will go into My-wife-is-frustrated-and-I-don't-know-how-to-help mode and you'll end up fighting about nothing.
Simply say: Chad I need to vent will you listen to me while I get this off of my chest and then I will fell better? This works great. Once Doug and I realized that my venting wasn't directed at him, we felt better about it. It's a good thing.
Weight gain. You will gain a few pounds the first year because you are trying to make gourmet meals everynight, but Chad will be happy with Mac & Cheese and a beer. So, be kind to yourself and make the simple meal more than the fancy ones and then go soak in the tub while he plays his video games.
Church. Well, this is a big one. Doug and I went church shopping too and we felt weird about it. In the end, we found the Seattle Cathedral to be our best fit. Except we don't have the fellowship that we really want. So, when we move we will be going to the local church and will find the right mass to go to. Check out the evening masses on Saturday or Sunday. The crowd is different and find out if they have a couples group. Once you make some friends in the parish it will make the t-shirt crowd less offensive.
Name change. As for the name change I say Hallelujah! At least people will pronouce and spell it right. I was really attached to my maiden name, but now I'm used to saying, "Treder, T-R-E-D-E-R."
Goals. It's good that you are still thinking of medical school. I think you should go for it. You are one of the smartest women I know and you would be a great doctor! Keep this in mind: We can have everything we want, just not all at once. Life is a serious of seasons in which we do different things as our life changes. We progress from daughter to wife to mother to aunt and then grandmother. Along the way we follow our dreams and make things happen during the right season of our life.
Take time to breathe right now. Go out to dinner once in a while, Get a dog. (dogs are great for walking with your spouse and you get to talk along the way.)
Continue to run because it clears your mind and plan little trips that you can look forward too.
You are a team now and it takes a while for a team to work well together. A really good team practices everyday and during game time things get exciting and it's fun!
You aren't going crazy, you are a new wife and nothing can really prepare you for that. In a year, you'll feel much better!
Nancy
PS - I'll be sending your wedding photos out at the end of the week.
They turned out really great!